Heavy Heart

Goodness gracious. For someone that tries to see the silver lining in every situation - the last 12 months have been quite the test. We lost another Schaefer (mom's family) this week. Unexpected, 47 years old.

Grandpa passing was tough, but there was some peace in that he would no longer suffer. He had lived a long, good life. Not easy, but I felt his services were really the celebration of the great man he was.

Steve passing was rough. We had 11 months after his diagnosis to prepare, but at the end of the day, he was still only 44... his boys are young. He was tough, but in this case, the cancer was unstoppable.

Tim passing was unexpected. 47. He went hunting the weekend before, to work that day, and was moving snow, like everyone else was after the storm. Unlike everyone else, he never made it inside afterward. It doesn't make sense. He recently walked his daughter down the aisle and welcomed his first grandchild into the world just 6 weeks ago. 5th generation photo was taken days before he died.

Death takes time to process, but the world doesn't stop moving forward. I didn't give myself time to process this week - instead went numb, Schaefer #3 in a year - makes you think, who's next? Asked my cousin how he was doing, he said, "well I woke up this morning." Little morbid, but it's been too frequent not to at least think it.  I sincerely hope this was the last one. At the wake, all I could say was, "this sucks" and hug family. Finally started feeling at the eulogy, when the eldest brother who had moved away said, "Tim - I wish we could have spent more time together. I'll miss you more than you know."

I'm an oldest sister. I moved away. I miss family events and time with my sisters to work, or travel. I always think, I'll see them soon. And so far, I've been fortunate that that has been the case.

And then the Fireman's Last Call ... brutal. I looked at his kids, mid-20s, they lost their dad. Forever. Nora had her grandpa for 6 weeks. I got to enjoy mine for 25 years. They didn't do anything to deserve this. It doesn't make sense. Can you possibly prepare for such an unexpected event? How do balance living each day like it's your last, and know that life is long. At 47, you could realistically have 20 years left or 50 years left, or in Tim's case, none. Steve didn't even make it to 45.

Here's my hope. I hope we continue to love and cherish our time together. I hope we find a way to keep memories from those who have passed in our hearts, so they continue to be with us although not physically. I hope we can focus on the good, and purpose driven areas of our lives, and not get caught up in the rat race that can consume us if we are not careful. And I hope that this was the end of tragic deaths for our St. Martin community. I hope that we each find peace, and a new normal.

Each of these men in our family were remembered for their service to our community, their dedication and love to family and friends, and living a full, happy life. I can only hope to be remembered for similar things one day, and in the meantime, use their example to make the world a better place.